In a recent email, one reader asked about “saving my marriage after cheating.” His wife had cheated and he was obviously devastated and simply wanted to get things back on track. He had made genuine attempts to get her back in his life but little was working. In hindsight, a lot of his reactionary stuff was wrong but if you have never been on the receiving end of infidelity or seen advice on how to handle infidelity, how are you going to know.
There’s an excellent piece at yourtango.com which looks at the impulsive mistakes you will need to avoid if and when your partner cheats on you. “How do I save my marriage after cheating?” First thing is the way you react. Many react angrily and say crazy things and then storm out. That’s not the right way yet we understand keeping your calm under such emotional stress is tough.
When I found out about my husband’s affair I was so shocked I just wanted to pack my things and run. An affair was not even a possible scenario in my life. Without talking to him, without even getting him to admit – I knew right there and then that I could never trust him again and that this marriage was over. I felt angry, stupid, disillusioned, betrayed and my self confidence just disappeared. I couldn’t stop imagining him intimate with someone – much smarter, funnier, younger (of course…) and better looking than me. These thoughts didn’t leave my mind for a second – and I let them take over me and my life almost immediately.
These are only some of the critical mistakes I made after finding out about my husband’s marital affair. Now that I am past this, after a long struggle and a long search for the right solution to save my marriage – I know better what NOT to do after an affair. I would like to share these mistakes, hoping I can get you to avoid them and save your marriage much faster and much better .
Confronting my husband and “ending the marriage” – When you are in your most vulnerable state – angry, shocked, shattered – Your perspective is damaged. This is not the time to make a final decision about the relationship and about marriage affairs in general. You have to acknowledge, in spite of the pain – That there are many things to think about (children, love, forgiveness etc) before you decide to end your marriage…..
Have you been on the receiving end of infidelity? If so, how did you react? Did you “burn all their clothes” or tossed their stuff on the street.” Or did you react calmly and agreed that things had led to this action and it might be time for both of you to take a break? Please share your experience with us as it might help others going through a similar emotional trauma.
Saving a marriage after cheating when your partner has been the offender requires a calm and commonsense. It’s best to walk away from the initial discovery and calm down and then ask them to sit don and discuss things rationally. Yes we know you want to let them have it but trust us, this doesn’t ever work; not if you want them back.
The only thing we might not agree with is that it’s impossible to regain total trust after infidelity. Yes, some level of trust will return but know that it will always linger. I’m talking from experience. How about you…do you agree?